we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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