hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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