Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
