i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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