i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
