Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
