I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
