If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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