i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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