I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
