He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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