woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
