I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My dick has a subreddit
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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