I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
