I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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