hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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