I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
