I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
