Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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