how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
