So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
