Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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