xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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