you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
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Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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