You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
