Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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