I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
