see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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