how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
