I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
