I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I want a musical about memes.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
