I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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