Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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