i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
