in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
