I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
