so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
