I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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