You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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