Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
