Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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