i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
