I just made out with a guy for $7.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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