I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
