When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
