i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
