i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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