Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
