drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
