Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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