the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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