I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
