Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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