The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
