you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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