I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
