i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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