I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
